should we, or should we not?  before i got pregnant with avery i knew that i wanted to have a baby.  that whole baby fever thing?  yeah, i had it bad.  i was certain that i wanted to get pregnant.  i was certain that i wanted to become a mother.  there was no question.  i just knew.  

then, there was colic.  there was postpartum depression.  there were sleep issues.  there was anxiety.  there were marital ups and downs.  the adjustment to motherhood and parenthood has been a tough one; much harder than i ever expected it to be.  the certainty that we felt about Number One became the certainty of Only One.  as in no more.  never again.  

but lately, there has been a little murmur of hmmm, just maybe starting to rise, but i’m certainly far from certain.  

people have started to ask, “so, when are you having Number Two?” and my brain yells NEVER AGAIN, and my gut yells NEVER AGAIN, and part of my heart yells NEVER AGAIN.  but then there is just a little piece of me that says hmmm, just maybe.  i’ve spent time three of my friends’ itty bitty babies this week and felt a teeny tiny twinge of nostalgia and yearning, but also a sizable twinge of “oh shit, not yet.”  i can’t figure out which twinge is more frightening. 

recently i’ve been seeing our chosen boy name everywhere.  (yes, we do have names picked even though we haven’t decided if this is a for-sure thing).  it is not a common, garden-variety name so its presence is somewhat curious.  last week i had two baby dreams.  in the first i was folding boy’s clothes.  in the second we had another little girl.  in my dreams i was totally okay with having a second child. if you’re the type to believe in dreams and signs, you’d start to wonder if these little hints mean something more.  my conscious brain is not quite there yet, but i have to wonder if maybe these dreams and signs are my subconscious mind’s way of moving me toward readiness. 

i don’t know what to make of all this.  i honestly don’t know if i’m strong enough to make it through the first year again.  i don’t think i can handle another “difficult” baby again.  i wonder if i’m being selfish because i don’t want to go back to the days of struggle and tears.  i am scared of feeling unhinged and crazy again, though i’ve already decided that i will stay on the Crazy Pills if we decide to go for Number Two.  i want my daughter to have the chance at a wonderful sibling relationship, and i worry that she would miss out on something special if she is an only child…but is that alone a valid reason to have another child?

right now i guess it’s all hypothetic.  i just wish i had a sense of certainty either way.  i feel like i should feel a strong sense of baby fever like i did before avery, and the fact that i don’t feel it is a sign that i am not ready and that i might never be.   maybe.

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should we, or should we not?  before i got pregnant with avery i knew that i wanted to have a baby.  that whole baby fever thing?  yeah, i had it bad.  i was certain that i wanted to get pregnant.  i was certain that i wanted to become a mother.  there was no question.  i just knew.  

then, there was colic.  there was postpartum depression.  there were sleep issues.  there was anxiety.  there were marital ups and downs.  the adjustment to motherhood and parenthood has been a tough one; much harder than i ever expected it to be.  the certainty that we felt about Number One became the certainty of Only One.  as in no more.  never again.  

but lately, there has been a little murmur of hmmm, just maybe starting to rise, but i’m certainly far from certain.  

people have started to ask, “so, when are you having Number Two?” and my brain yells NEVER AGAIN, and my gut yells NEVER AGAIN, and part of my heart yells NEVER AGAIN.  but then there is just a little piece of me that says hmmm, just maybe.  i’ve spent time three of my friends’ itty bitty babies this week and felt a teeny tiny twinge of nostalgia and yearning, but also a sizable twinge of “oh shit, not yet.”  i can’t figure out which twinge is more frightening. 

recently i’ve been seeing our chosen boy name everywhere.  (yes, we do have names picked even though we haven’t decided if this is a for-sure thing).  it is not a common, garden-variety name so its presence is somewhat curious.  last week i had two baby dreams.  in the first i was folding boy’s clothes.  in the second we had another little girl.  in my dreams i was totally okay with having a second child. if you’re the type to believe in dreams and signs, you’d start to wonder if these little hints mean something more.  my conscious brain is not quite there yet, but i have to wonder if maybe these dreams and signs are my subconscious mind’s way of moving me toward readiness. 

i don’t know what to make of all this.  i honestly don’t know if i’m strong enough to make it through the first year again.  i don’t think i can handle another “difficult” baby again.  i wonder if i’m being selfish because i don’t want to go back to the days of struggle and tears.  i am scared of feeling unhinged and crazy again, though i’ve already decided that i will stay on the Crazy Pills if we decide to go for Number Two.  i want my daughter to have the chance at a wonderful sibling relationship, and i worry that she would miss out on something special if she is an only child…but is that alone a valid reason to have another child?

right now i guess it’s all hypothetic.  i just wish i had a sense of certainty either way.  i feel like i should feel a strong sense of baby fever like i did before avery, and the fact that i don’t feel it is a sign that i am not ready and that i might never be.   maybe.

random thought

February 2, 2009

have you ever wondered why it says “for best results refrigerate after opening” on packaged prunes? really?  for best results?  are the shit-inducing properties of cold prunes really that much more efficacious than those of warm ones? has anyone ever said, “a-HA!  so that’s why i haven’t taken a dump in a week.  i’ve been eating my prunes at room temperature!”  i doubt it.  maybe they should consider changing the packaging to say “to retain freshness” or something.

the only productive thing around here the last few days have been my lungs. seriously. who knew that so much phlegm could come out of one person. ::hack, cough, spit…die:: i am not enjoying this cold at all. i am happy to report that i had enough energy to make a quick trip to target today, but really only because we were in desperate need of milk and dog food. and christmas decorations, apparently. damn target always sneaking little “extras” into my cart. how does that happen? my love affair with target seems to be back in full swing. i tried to stay away but it’s a hard habit to break.

the irony of this whole plague of death that i am suffering right now is that just a few days ago – before i was so violently struck down by this evil cold – is that i was contemplating “illness” versus “wellness” and making personal commitments to get myself really healthy. ain’t that just a bitch?! monday evening i was feeling fine, thinking about my plan of attack for conquering my well-being. i went to the store and bought all sorts of vitamins and healthy stuff….and then, cue the plague. i woke up tuesday morning feeling like a giant bag o’ ass that got hit by a truck, full of wheezes and sneezes and coughs and aches and voiceless fury. perhaps my body is protesting the introduction of healthy nutrients? an anti-vitamin revolt, of sorts?

it’s been a few days of whiiiiiinnnnneeeee, mommmy’s dyyyyiiiinnnnnggggg and i am still feeling like crap. thankfully my husband has been extremely helpful in taking over some of the mommy duties, even though he is not feeling well either, so i’ve been able to get some rest. i am not good at being sick. god help us all if i ever have something really bad happen to me. if i complain this much about a damn cold, can you imagine what i would be like if i were ever actually really ill?

so, yeah. i am a total bore and i haven’t taken any good pictures either (stay tuned for craptastic cameraphone pics of me in my pestilent glory!) hopefully i will start feeling better soon.

things i would buy right now if i won the powerball, or if any of y’all win the powerball and feel like sending gifts my way, feel free. 

dyson vacuum

pink retro kitchen

tiffany 1837 ring

and this ring too

this table

a macro lens

and world peace and an end to hunger and clean air and drinking water for all.  amen, the end.

would I be introducing my daughter to a lifetime of gender-stereotyped, june cleaverish, “women belong in the kitchen” sort of anti-feminist expectations if I bought her the pink retro kitchen set from pottery barn kids? I secretly (or perhaps not so secretly, now that I am telling all of you) want it for myself. a pretend kitchen seems like it would be so much more fun (not to mention easier to clean) than my real kitchen.

i don’t care about handbags, i never wear jewelry other than my wedding ring and a toe ring that’s been on my foot for 15 years, i am barefoot 90% of the time (the other 10% i am wearing flip flops), i don’t give a rat’s ass about fashion, i eat organic food, i don’t wear makeup, i cloth diaper my baby, i dream about planting a huge garden (after i get my black thumbs replaced with green ones), i listen to NPR obsessively, i believe in liberty and justice for all, and i meditate and do yoga daily.  i think i’d fit right in. 

do you think hippie communes have wi-fi?