1.  yesterday, i accidentally opened the car door at the exact moment my daughter charged toward my leg, resulting in a tremendous THWACK with enough force to knock her onto her cute little tushie.  she exploded into a heap of tears.  my heart shattered into a million pieces and i immediately set about flogging myself for my horrific inability to predict the uncontrollable nature of my toddler’s movement.  stupid mom.  

2.  to make matters worse, today  i clearly decided that one bruise wasn’t enough and she needed one on the other side of her forehead to complete the look.  i looked away for one nanosecond and she ran in front of a moving swing at the park.  i turned my head just in time to see another spectacular THWACK and another fall on her adorable tushie.  

3.  i bought her a pair of crocs

4.  shut up.  toddler sized crocs are adorable

5.  only she can’t run really well in them and anything faster than an exuberant trot is a disaster waiting to happen.  she tripped over her own toes and took a magnificent tumble while running in the family room today, narrowly missing a collision with the tv shelf.  i guess the boo-boo gods decided to spare us this time.  

6.  i took her into a wal-mart the other day – without hand sanitizer or a tetanus shot, mind you.  i was swerving the cart like a madwoman, trying to get through the store without contracting any sort of communicable illness.  add the swerving to the bottle of juice she drank in the car on the way there…not good, my friends.  she puked all over her shirt, on the seat of the shopping cart, and made a sizable puddle on the floor.  i just kept on walking.  i’m sure it’s not the first time the floor at wal-mart has been puked on, and i can’t blame the girl…wal-mart makes me want to vomit too.  

7.  while we’re on the topic of bodily functions, i had poop (not my own, thankyouverymuch) on my shirt today for a good five hours before i realized it was there.  i had been to the grocery store, target, the park, and starbucks with a nice smear on the front of my white tee.  i wonder how many people noticed it before i did.  

8.  i didn’t change my shirt immediately upon its discovery.  ‘eh,’ i thought, ‘i’ve been covered in worse.’  motherhood has definitely desensitized me to most of the ick factors in life.  

9.  my daughter woke up in tears at midnight a couple nights ago.  instead of rocking her to sleep quietly and putting her back in her crib, i brought her to bed with me.  “do you want to watch nemo?” i asked.  “meemo, yeah,” she replied.  so we watched a movie in the middle of the night when we really should have been sleeping.  it was awesome.

definitely, maybe

June 22, 2009

oh. emm. gee. tee. tee. see. double. you. tee. eff.

should we, or should we not?  before i got pregnant with avery i knew that i wanted to have a baby.  that whole baby fever thing?  yeah, i had it bad.  i was certain that i wanted to get pregnant.  i was certain that i wanted to become a mother.  there was no question.  i just knew.  

then, there was colic.  there was postpartum depression.  there were sleep issues.  there was anxiety.  there were marital ups and downs.  the adjustment to motherhood and parenthood has been a tough one; much harder than i ever expected it to be.  the certainty that we felt about Number One became the certainty of Only One.  as in no more.  never again.  

but lately, there has been a little murmur of hmmm, just maybe starting to rise, but i’m certainly far from certain.  

people have started to ask, “so, when are you having Number Two?” and my brain yells NEVER AGAIN, and my gut yells NEVER AGAIN, and part of my heart yells NEVER AGAIN.  but then there is just a little piece of me that says hmmm, just maybe.  i’ve spent time three of my friends’ itty bitty babies this week and felt a teeny tiny twinge of nostalgia and yearning, but also a sizable twinge of “oh shit, not yet.”  i can’t figure out which twinge is more frightening. 

recently i’ve been seeing our chosen boy name everywhere.  (yes, we do have names picked even though we haven’t decided if this is a for-sure thing).  it is not a common, garden-variety name so its presence is somewhat curious.  last week i had two baby dreams.  in the first i was folding boy’s clothes.  in the second we had another little girl.  in my dreams i was totally okay with having a second child. if you’re the type to believe in dreams and signs, you’d start to wonder if these little hints mean something more.  my conscious brain is not quite there yet, but i have to wonder if maybe these dreams and signs are my subconscious mind’s way of moving me toward readiness. 

i don’t know what to make of all this.  i honestly don’t know if i’m strong enough to make it through the first year again.  i don’t think i can handle another “difficult” baby again.  i wonder if i’m being selfish because i don’t want to go back to the days of struggle and tears.  i am scared of feeling unhinged and crazy again, though i’ve already decided that i will stay on the Crazy Pills if we decide to go for Number Two.  i want my daughter to have the chance at a wonderful sibling relationship, and i worry that she would miss out on something special if she is an only child…but is that alone a valid reason to have another child?

right now i guess it’s all hypothetic.  i just wish i had a sense of certainty either way.  i feel like i should feel a strong sense of baby fever like i did before avery, and the fact that i don’t feel it is a sign that i am not ready and that i might never be.   maybe.

should we, or should we not?  before i got pregnant with avery i knew that i wanted to have a baby.  that whole baby fever thing?  yeah, i had it bad.  i was certain that i wanted to get pregnant.  i was certain that i wanted to become a mother.  there was no question.  i just knew.  

then, there was colic.  there was postpartum depression.  there were sleep issues.  there was anxiety.  there were marital ups and downs.  the adjustment to motherhood and parenthood has been a tough one; much harder than i ever expected it to be.  the certainty that we felt about Number One became the certainty of Only One.  as in no more.  never again.  

but lately, there has been a little murmur of hmmm, just maybe starting to rise, but i’m certainly far from certain.  

people have started to ask, “so, when are you having Number Two?” and my brain yells NEVER AGAIN, and my gut yells NEVER AGAIN, and part of my heart yells NEVER AGAIN.  but then there is just a little piece of me that says hmmm, just maybe.  i’ve spent time three of my friends’ itty bitty babies this week and felt a teeny tiny twinge of nostalgia and yearning, but also a sizable twinge of “oh shit, not yet.”  i can’t figure out which twinge is more frightening. 

recently i’ve been seeing our chosen boy name everywhere.  (yes, we do have names picked even though we haven’t decided if this is a for-sure thing).  it is not a common, garden-variety name so its presence is somewhat curious.  last week i had two baby dreams.  in the first i was folding boy’s clothes.  in the second we had another little girl.  in my dreams i was totally okay with having a second child. if you’re the type to believe in dreams and signs, you’d start to wonder if these little hints mean something more.  my conscious brain is not quite there yet, but i have to wonder if maybe these dreams and signs are my subconscious mind’s way of moving me toward readiness. 

i don’t know what to make of all this.  i honestly don’t know if i’m strong enough to make it through the first year again.  i don’t think i can handle another “difficult” baby again.  i wonder if i’m being selfish because i don’t want to go back to the days of struggle and tears.  i am scared of feeling unhinged and crazy again, though i’ve already decided that i will stay on the Crazy Pills if we decide to go for Number Two.  i want my daughter to have the chance at a wonderful sibling relationship, and i worry that she would miss out on something special if she is an only child…but is that alone a valid reason to have another child?

right now i guess it’s all hypothetic.  i just wish i had a sense of certainty either way.  i feel like i should feel a strong sense of baby fever like i did before avery, and the fact that i don’t feel it is a sign that i am not ready and that i might never be.   maybe.

8:02 am: begrudgingly surrender to my child’s wails of “mama, mama, mama.”  sleepily stumble to her room to fetch her from her crib.

8:03 am: pause to set the safety gate at the top of the stairs.  pat myself on the back for my supreme parenting skills.  good job, mom. 

8:04 am: turn on finding nemo, hand baby a box of dry cereal that happened to be sitting next to the bed.  thanks to my  late-night munchies, i can feed my child breakfast without even having to open my eyes.  ignore her cries for juice and hand her my camelbak bottle full of water.  

8:04.o1 am: close eyes, plug ears, pull covers over my head.  let child fend off hungry, cereal-stealing, face-licking dog on her own. 

10:28 am: realize too late that the loud THUD i just heard was the sound of my child landing on the hardwood floor after falling off of the kitchen chair

12:43 pm:  my child and my pseudo-child are listening to “wild thing” by tone-loc.  “but that’s what happens when body start slappin’ from doin’ the wild thing,” is probably not toddler-appropriate.  pause momentarily to wonder how and why this song is on my ipod, lament the fact that this is probably far from the most shameful song on there.

3:10 pm: decide that my child has proven herself fully capable of climbing down the stairs on her own.  neglect to stand below her on her descent.  watch in helpless horror from the top of the stairs while my child tumbles ass-over-teakettle all the way down to the landing.   

6:30 pm: a tube of yogurt, a bite of string cheese, three plain noodles, a handful (handful? yep. eww) of ranch dressing, and some sprinkles for dinner?  sure.  why the hell not.  

7:10 pm: child climbs on top of a table at a restaurant.  throws salt and pepper shakers on the floor.  laughs hysterically.  stifle my own laughter so as to not encourage this sort of behavior.  

7:12 pm: get kicked out of a buffet (!) restaurant for my toddler’s horrendous behavior.  epic fail.  okay, we didn’t really get kicked out but we did make a hasty escape before the staff could ask us to leave. 

8:10 pm:  shower time.  baby steps on my broken toe and i utter a stream of colorful vocabulary.  shrug my shoulders in defeat when she mimics me.  consider her future career as a sailor or longshoreman.

8:19 pm: remember that my child can now reach into the bathroom drawer with ease.  it’s probably wise to remove sharp objects and prescription drugs.  whoopsies.

8:31 pm: bed time.  no really.  go to bed.  now.  

8:33 pm: mmmm…..wine.  who needs a glass.

buzzkill

January 30, 2009

some days parenting a toddler is like dealing with a bee at a picnic.  you’re just sitting there, enjoying the sunshine eating a fruit salad and the bee is buzzing around your head thinking, “sweet!  a watermelon!  buzz buzz buzz!”  the bee is not intentionally aggravating, it’s just what bees do; the sight of a picnic is just too much for a bee to resist.  after a while you find yourself wanting to smash the fucking bee with a shoe.

jesus, sneezus

December 6, 2008

::aaacchhhhhoooo::

i love a good sneeze, but this is getting ridiculous.  have you ever hear the term “snissing” to refer to the, ahem, loss of bladder control while sneezing? it is a common problem during pregnancy  and  i’m sad to report that it doesn’t get any better after having a baby, and i didn’t even push my baby out of my hoo-haa;  she came out the window instead of the door, if you catch my drift.  add this phenomenon to the gallons of fluids and obscene amount of vitamins i am ingesting to flush this cold out of my system and i am kicking myself in the ass – with tightly crossed legs, no less – for not doing kegel exercises while i was pregnant.