do you ever have one of those days where you find yourself to be incredibly irritating?  if any other person were pulling the shit that i’m pulling i would smack them upside the head, insult their mother, and then defriend them on facebook.  maybe this is just one of the lovely traits that goes hand-in-hand with my tendency to be too self-critical.  

i’m just having a hard time forgiving myself for failing to ‘live my best life’ (thanks, oprah).  i feel like i’m wasting time, like i should be living a life with more purpose, hell, that i should live a life with ANY sort of purpose, that i should be leading my life with passion and commitment.  but instead i’m sitting on the couch with a milkshake watching another episode of SYTYCD, just thinking about getting through to bedtime so i can wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.  i’ve read recently through a bunch of old journals.  my entries from five years ago could easily sneak into the entries of today, so similar are their themes:  general dissatisfaction with self, a yearning to change but feeling lost as to make that dream a reality, a shallowness indicative of someone without a good sense of self-awareness, a sense of someone just sort of floating through life instead of living for the moment.  what i fail to notice, however, is that life is generally pretty fucking awesome.  i have SO many blessings in my life yet i still feel a need to think that what i have and what i am doing is not enough somehow.  please excuse me while i smack myself upside the head.  i need a little reality check. 

i read tonight that the wife of an old friend from school was given terrible news regarding her fight against breast cancer.  they do not know what her prognosis is yet, but certainly not the clean bill of health they were hoping for after finishing chemo and radiation.  they have three young children who desperately need their mommy to be around to watch them grow.   if you’re the praying/good thoughts/juju/happy wishes/miracle believing type of person, this family could really use a whole lot of love their way.  they need a miracle.  

and now i commence kicking myself in the teeth because i am just so annoying to worry about myself and my little problems when there are people all around the world, and within my circle of friends, who are struggling with issues much greater than i.  i have friends who have been handed a death sentence, or even a “here’s your debilitating diagnosis, now go figure out how to get through life with that” sentence, and i’m boohooing about life being too hard because i have a little bit of an anxiety problem, a bit of a sleep problem, but mostly i’m just lazy to commit to making positive life changes.  

i feel like i need some direction.  i need some structure.  i need more focus.  i need more positivity and passion.  i need to appreciate my life, and live every moment.  i need to get busy living.  i need a map.  and a kick in the pants.  and accountability.

Advertisements

two men i admire, and whom i probably wouldn’t toss out of bed for getting cracker crumbs on the sheets

both of these men would be on my hypothetical “deserted island list.”  they’re brilliant, they exude compassion for others, and are immensely passionate about what they do.  my love for bill clinton goes way back to the early 90s when my political roots were just fresh little tendrils, stepping out into the world for the first time.  the presidential election campaign was in full swing as i was learning about politics and discovering how my ideals and beliefs lined up with candidates and parties and caucuses and whatnot.  in the center of it all was a cool, charismatic bill clinton and i was totally on board that train, so to speak.  in my first ever presidential election, i am pleased that i was able to cast my vote for bill clinton.  i appreciate much of what he did as a leader, but more so now with the work he is doing with his foundation; working to make positive changes in the lives of citizens and populations around the world. 

mr. brokaw.  my other dirty little secret crush.  i’ve loved him since i was a child.  my dad would arrive home from work at about 5:58, just in time to flip on the evening news.  “ba-ba-bum-BUMMMMMM.  this is NBC nightly news with tom brokaw” became such an integral part of my family’s evening routine.  dad would make himself a cocktail and then sit down in his favorite chair \ to watch the news.  we lived in a number of houses over the years, but this was always one thing that stayed the same.  some times i would watch it with him, too young to understand what was going on, unknowing that the news in another part of the world – or even the country for that matter – would have any sort of impact on my life.  even in those days of youthful ignorance, i still understood that the ba-ba-bum-BUMMMMMMM opening notes of the nightly news were a constant and comfortable tradition.  as i grew older i joined my father to watch the 6pm news more often and it became a tradition not only of the 6:00 hour in our house, but a tradition of the 6:00 hour that we shared as father and daughter.

two men i admire, and whom i probably wouldn’t toss out of bed for getting cracker crumbs on the sheets

both of these men would be on my hypothetical “deserted island list.”  they’re brilliant, they exude compassion for others, and are immensely passionate about what they do.  my love for bill clinton goes way back to the early 90s when my political roots were just fresh little tendrils, stepping out into the world for the first time.  the presidential election campaign was in full swing as i was learning about politics and discovering how my ideals and beliefs lined up with candidates and parties and caucuses and whatnot.  in the center of it all was a cool, charismatic bill clinton and i was totally on board that train, so to speak.  in my first ever presidential election, i am pleased that i was able to cast my vote for bill clinton.  i appreciate much of what he did as a leader, but more so now with the work he is doing with his foundation; working to make positive changes in the lives of citizens and populations around the world. 

mr. brokaw.  my other dirty little secret crush.  i’ve loved him since i was a child.  my dad would arrive home from work at about 5:58, just in time to flip on the evening news.  “ba-ba-bum-BUMMMMMM.  this is NBC nightly news with tom brokaw” became such an integral part of my family’s evening routine.  dad would make himself a cocktail and then sit down in his favorite chair \ to watch the news.  we lived in a number of houses over the years, but this was always one thing that stayed the same.  some times i would watch it with him, too young to understand what was going on, unknowing that the news in another part of the world – or even the country for that matter – would have any sort of impact on my life.  even in those days of youthful ignorance, i still understood that the ba-ba-bum-BUMMMMMMM opening notes of the nightly news were a constant and comfortable tradition.  as i grew older i joined my father to watch the 6pm news more often and it became a tradition not only of the 6:00 hour in our house, but a tradition of the 6:00 hour that we shared as father and daughter.

if there is one thing i excel at, it’s procrastination.  i am the queen bee of slacking off.  i am a terrific list-writer; i can make a to-do list like nobody’s business.  getting through all my tasks?  well, that’s another story.  i am not kidding…i’ve had “clean out closet” on my list(s) of chores for, oh, let’s see, two years.  i am just really easily distrac…OH, look!  something shiny!

where was i?  oh yes.  to do.  

my husband will be home from work all week so i have no excuse to not get shit done.  this will be the Week of Projects.  first on the list?  massage.  then, a haircut.  maybe somewhere in there i will find time to organize the closet and scrub the toilets.  stay tuned.

today, i love

June 7, 2009

trader joe’s dark chocolate almonds with belgian chocolate, sea salt and turbinado sugar.  lots of ingredients = lots of yum

freddie mercury.  i find his flamboyance absolutely mesmerizing.

my new, almost finished basement

DSC01704

dreaming about living in an i house on a beach somewhere

scrabble on my iphone

the soul remembers

May 31, 2009

it’s funny to me that after all these years, this place still feels like home.  familiar smells, familiar sights…there have been changes over the years, sure, but i still remember it all.  i’ve been gone from this house for 13 years now, but i can still walk through it in the dark without stubbing a toe or bumping into the furniture.  from the minute i stepped outside the airport and took a deep breath of the humid, salty, ocean air, my heart ached with a wistful longing for the many years i spent here.  it seems like a lifetime ago.  

i left eight years ago at a time when i needed a new direction.  i was a year out of school, a year out of a dead-end relationship, working a soul-sucking job, struggling through some depression, needing an escape.  i moved away and never looked back because at the time i felt like i had nothing here.  now that i’ve made my life somewhere else, the little whisper of “home, home, home” has grown louder and i find myself daydreaming about coming back, however improbable and unlikely that may be.  

my mom and i went to the park today, the one she took me to when i was a child.  she pointed to the trees around the playground and said, “see those trees?  those had just been planted then.  they were only about five feet tall” and then she pointed to the top of the leafy canopy soaring above our heads.  i watched my daughter climb the grassy hill i had rolled down as a girl, watched her walk to the edge of the lake and dip her toe in the water, watched her point at the honking geese as i had done thirty years ago.

i’ve been joking lately that i’ve unleashed my inner martha because of all the baking i’ve been doing.  homemade cinnamon rolls, fresh strawberry muffins, chocolate cookies…mmmm.  it seems like i’ve been pulling out the mixer at least four days a week, and eating the rewards daily.  i think it’s high time that i discover some self-restraint and tie martha’s leash a little tighter.  if only i could channel her ability to clean, decorate, craft, and organize.  that would me a much more gut-friendly habit.