this sort of navel-gazing has nothing to do with fleet week

July 16, 2009

do you ever have one of those days where you find yourself to be incredibly irritating?  if any other person were pulling the shit that i’m pulling i would smack them upside the head, insult their mother, and then defriend them on facebook.  maybe this is just one of the lovely traits that goes hand-in-hand with my tendency to be too self-critical.  

i’m just having a hard time forgiving myself for failing to ‘live my best life’ (thanks, oprah).  i feel like i’m wasting time, like i should be living a life with more purpose, hell, that i should live a life with ANY sort of purpose, that i should be leading my life with passion and commitment.  but instead i’m sitting on the couch with a milkshake watching another episode of SYTYCD, just thinking about getting through to bedtime so i can wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.  i’ve read recently through a bunch of old journals.  my entries from five years ago could easily sneak into the entries of today, so similar are their themes:  general dissatisfaction with self, a yearning to change but feeling lost as to make that dream a reality, a shallowness indicative of someone without a good sense of self-awareness, a sense of someone just sort of floating through life instead of living for the moment.  what i fail to notice, however, is that life is generally pretty fucking awesome.  i have SO many blessings in my life yet i still feel a need to think that what i have and what i am doing is not enough somehow.  please excuse me while i smack myself upside the head.  i need a little reality check. 

i read tonight that the wife of an old friend from school was given terrible news regarding her fight against breast cancer.  they do not know what her prognosis is yet, but certainly not the clean bill of health they were hoping for after finishing chemo and radiation.  they have three young children who desperately need their mommy to be around to watch them grow.   if you’re the praying/good thoughts/juju/happy wishes/miracle believing type of person, this family could really use a whole lot of love their way.  they need a miracle.  

and now i commence kicking myself in the teeth because i am just so annoying to worry about myself and my little problems when there are people all around the world, and within my circle of friends, who are struggling with issues much greater than i.  i have friends who have been handed a death sentence, or even a “here’s your debilitating diagnosis, now go figure out how to get through life with that” sentence, and i’m boohooing about life being too hard because i have a little bit of an anxiety problem, a bit of a sleep problem, but mostly i’m just lazy to commit to making positive life changes.  

i feel like i need some direction.  i need some structure.  i need more focus.  i need more positivity and passion.  i need to appreciate my life, and live every moment.  i need to get busy living.  i need a map.  and a kick in the pants.  and accountability.

4 Responses to “this sort of navel-gazing has nothing to do with fleet week”

  1. kristen Says:

    Aw, shit. I was sitting watching SYTYCD last night too… While I drank a sweet tea and ate pretzels. Were we not supposed to be doing that??

    I’m with you on the couple we both know and love. They are on my mind constantly. And when my kids are being difficult, and I want to sell them both, I stop, and I think, “I really should just be happy right now.”

    Find something that you have that’s YOURS. That you commit to, even if it’s something silly. My silly thing is Passion Parties. I do it and I do it well. The company pays me, recognizes me, and it fills that “what I do that’s good” thing I need to have. Then, when I turn around and get back to the rest of my life, I appreciate it more. Or, I try to.

  2. angelika05 Says:

    And you know what else? You need to NOT be so hard on yourself too. 😉

    Just thought you might want to add that to your list!

  3. allysonwonderland Says:

    I agree with Angelika- you are hard on yourself. You are amazing mother, wife and friend. So many people love you and wish they were in your shoes. You are beautiful inside and out. I guess we were both being reflective this weekend. I wrote some “weird” thoughts on my blog too. You have made great choices in your life! Now go celebrate your life! Hugs!

  4. Allyson Says:

    Just found out my reply from a few days ago didn’t post! Sucks. I just wanted to say that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself! You’re a wonderful mother, wife and friend. I’m lucky that you’re in my life. I will say that there are days that I feel this way, like I missed something or my life is not going according to my “plan”. Hugs!

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