do you ever have one of those days where you find yourself to be incredibly irritating?  if any other person were pulling the shit that i’m pulling i would smack them upside the head, insult their mother, and then defriend them on facebook.  maybe this is just one of the lovely traits that goes hand-in-hand with my tendency to be too self-critical.  

i’m just having a hard time forgiving myself for failing to ‘live my best life’ (thanks, oprah).  i feel like i’m wasting time, like i should be living a life with more purpose, hell, that i should live a life with ANY sort of purpose, that i should be leading my life with passion and commitment.  but instead i’m sitting on the couch with a milkshake watching another episode of SYTYCD, just thinking about getting through to bedtime so i can wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.  i’ve read recently through a bunch of old journals.  my entries from five years ago could easily sneak into the entries of today, so similar are their themes:  general dissatisfaction with self, a yearning to change but feeling lost as to make that dream a reality, a shallowness indicative of someone without a good sense of self-awareness, a sense of someone just sort of floating through life instead of living for the moment.  what i fail to notice, however, is that life is generally pretty fucking awesome.  i have SO many blessings in my life yet i still feel a need to think that what i have and what i am doing is not enough somehow.  please excuse me while i smack myself upside the head.  i need a little reality check. 

i read tonight that the wife of an old friend from school was given terrible news regarding her fight against breast cancer.  they do not know what her prognosis is yet, but certainly not the clean bill of health they were hoping for after finishing chemo and radiation.  they have three young children who desperately need their mommy to be around to watch them grow.   if you’re the praying/good thoughts/juju/happy wishes/miracle believing type of person, this family could really use a whole lot of love their way.  they need a miracle.  

and now i commence kicking myself in the teeth because i am just so annoying to worry about myself and my little problems when there are people all around the world, and within my circle of friends, who are struggling with issues much greater than i.  i have friends who have been handed a death sentence, or even a “here’s your debilitating diagnosis, now go figure out how to get through life with that” sentence, and i’m boohooing about life being too hard because i have a little bit of an anxiety problem, a bit of a sleep problem, but mostly i’m just lazy to commit to making positive life changes.  

i feel like i need some direction.  i need some structure.  i need more focus.  i need more positivity and passion.  i need to appreciate my life, and live every moment.  i need to get busy living.  i need a map.  and a kick in the pants.  and accountability.

Advertisements

isaac and i went on a mini-vaycay this weekend (without the kiddo!) to aspen to see rhett miller, murry hammond, and the old97s play an amazing show.  it was awesome and i’m just so glad that i actually got to see the whole show – from the edge of the stage, no less – since i’ve had less than stellar luck making it to shows past.  

the last time they came through denver (june 2008) i was on my deathbed with the worst stomach flu in the history of stomach flues so i stayed home tethered to the toilet while my husband went to the show without me.  curse him!  he came down with the flu the next day, so at least he suffered a little.  ha!  

the old97s previous visit to denver was in august 2007.  i was about 80 zillion months pregnant, but i still made it to the show.  i used my “delicate condition” to my full advantage and sweet talked my swollen, with-child self to front row center at red rocks…the row reserved for handicapped patrons.  i weighed about 175 pounds and had ankles the size of easter hams.  i definitely qualified as mobility impaired.  but prime seats don’t always guarantee an amazing concert-going experience.  rhett’s flight was delayed and he was LATE, hear me? LATE to the show.  he only performed four songs.  my pregnant ass still hasn’t forgiven me for climbing all the way to the red rocks amphitheater to sit on a stone bench for a measly four songs.  

before that, rhett came in february or march of 2006 touring with his solo album.  we saw him at the twist&shout record store where he was performing a mini acoustic set and signing autographs.  kick.  ass.  i got to meet him, get a picture with him, and got his autograph on my ipod (he claimed that he’d never been asked to sign an ipod before).   the show – at the gothic theater -was great, and went off without a hitch, if i remember correctly.  

the previous show – also at the gothic in the fall of 2005, i believe, we were the late arrivers, thanks in large part to our friends who are of the perpetually tardy variety.  they’re the kind of people who don’t think to call a cab until 10 minutes AFTER you’re supposed to be somewhere.  no matter what we’re doing, they  cause delays.  they’re delay people.  so i was quite displeased that we missed a good portion of the show, thanks only to the delays of other people.  

we have tickets to see them again this thursday in boulder, so barring any unforeseen tragedies or babysitter mishaps or locust invasions, we should be there on time, ready to dance and sing our little hearts out.  

isaac and i went on a mini-vaycay this weekend (without the kiddo!) to aspen to see rhett miller, murry hammond, and the old97s play an amazing show.  it was awesome and i’m just so glad that i actually got to see the whole show – from the edge of the stage, no less – since i’ve had less than stellar luck making it to shows past.  

the last time they came through denver (june 2008) i was on my deathbed with the worst stomach flu in the history of stomach flues so i stayed home tethered to the toilet while my husband went to the show without me.  curse him!  he came down with the flu the next day, so at least he suffered a little.  ha!  

the old97s previous visit to denver was in august 2007.  i was about 80 zillion months pregnant, but i still made it to the show.  i used my “delicate condition” to my full advantage and sweet talked my swollen, with-child self to front row center at red rocks…the row reserved for handicapped patrons.  i weighed about 175 pounds and had ankles the size of easter hams.  i definitely qualified as mobility impaired.  but prime seats don’t always guarantee an amazing concert-going experience.  rhett’s flight was delayed and he was LATE, hear me? LATE to the show.  he only performed four songs.  my pregnant ass still hasn’t forgiven me for climbing all the way to the red rocks amphitheater to sit on a stone bench for a measly four songs.  

before that, rhett came in february or march of 2006 touring with his solo album.  we saw him at the twist&shout record store where he was performing a mini acoustic set and signing autographs.  kick.  ass.  i got to meet him, get a picture with him, and got his autograph on my ipod (he claimed that he’d never been asked to sign an ipod before).   the show – at the gothic theater -was great, and went off without a hitch, if i remember correctly.  

the previous show – also at the gothic in the fall of 2005, i believe, we were the late arrivers, thanks in large part to our friends who are of the perpetually tardy variety.  they’re the kind of people who don’t think to call a cab until 10 minutes AFTER you’re supposed to be somewhere.  no matter what we’re doing, they  cause delays.  they’re delay people.  so i was quite displeased that we missed a good portion of the show, thanks only to the delays of other people.  

we have tickets to see them again this thursday in boulder, so barring any unforeseen tragedies or babysitter mishaps or locust invasions, we should be there on time, ready to dance and sing our little hearts out.  

to bring you this beautiful little gem: my kitchen. still in progress, but already such a shiny special sparkly transformation.

photo2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

for reference, this is the same kitchen….before.  shield your eyes, folks.  she was not pretty.  

ry=320_11

catch up on all my neglected podcasts.  260 of them.  i am not kidding.  

find a weekly yoga class.  sign up for weekly yoga class.  attend weekly yoga class.

read a book.  read many books.

write a letter to a friend that i’ve let slip out of my life.

reconnect with another friend who just moved back to town.

crochet a ton of baby animals for new babies (not my own)

pore over the stack of magazines and catalogs on my bedside table.

re-watch every episode of SYTYCD and the pilot episode of Glee….over and over and over

three songs that make me dance

pokerface  – ladygaga

waking up in vegas – katy perry

womanizer – britney spears

three songs i’m ashamed to love, but i do

every rose has its thorn – poison

mmmbop – hanson

livin’ on a prayer – bon jovi

three songs that put me in a great mood, no matter what

send me on my way – rusted root

ants marching – dave matthews band

sometimes – james

three songs that make me cry

fidelity – regina spektor (have you seen the www.couragecampaign.org video.  lovelovelove it, but OMG, the tears! gah!)

the boxer – simon and garfunkel 

ave maria – no matter who is singing it

three songs that dredge up memories

hallelujah – jeff buckley

the last beat of my heart – devotchka

the time of times – badly drawn boy

three songs i will love until the end of time 

don’t stop believing – journey

somebody to love – queen

you can close your eyes – james taylor

 

what songs are on your playlists these days?

um, hmmm

July 4, 2009

one of the top searches that led someone to my site was “my husband tells me to shut up, really sick of my husband telling me to shut up.” interesting. i don’t think i’ve ever told my husband to shut up before, i certainly don’t recall ever having written it before, but perhaps i did.