all signs point to "who knows"

June 13, 2009

should we, or should we not?  before i got pregnant with avery i knew that i wanted to have a baby.  that whole baby fever thing?  yeah, i had it bad.  i was certain that i wanted to get pregnant.  i was certain that i wanted to become a mother.  there was no question.  i just knew.  

then, there was colic.  there was postpartum depression.  there were sleep issues.  there was anxiety.  there were marital ups and downs.  the adjustment to motherhood and parenthood has been a tough one; much harder than i ever expected it to be.  the certainty that we felt about Number One became the certainty of Only One.  as in no more.  never again.  

but lately, there has been a little murmur of hmmm, just maybe starting to rise, but i’m certainly far from certain.  

people have started to ask, “so, when are you having Number Two?” and my brain yells NEVER AGAIN, and my gut yells NEVER AGAIN, and part of my heart yells NEVER AGAIN.  but then there is just a little piece of me that says hmmm, just maybe.  i’ve spent time three of my friends’ itty bitty babies this week and felt a teeny tiny twinge of nostalgia and yearning, but also a sizable twinge of “oh shit, not yet.”  i can’t figure out which twinge is more frightening. 

recently i’ve been seeing our chosen boy name everywhere.  (yes, we do have names picked even though we haven’t decided if this is a for-sure thing).  it is not a common, garden-variety name so its presence is somewhat curious.  last week i had two baby dreams.  in the first i was folding boy’s clothes.  in the second we had another little girl.  in my dreams i was totally okay with having a second child. if you’re the type to believe in dreams and signs, you’d start to wonder if these little hints mean something more.  my conscious brain is not quite there yet, but i have to wonder if maybe these dreams and signs are my subconscious mind’s way of moving me toward readiness. 

i don’t know what to make of all this.  i honestly don’t know if i’m strong enough to make it through the first year again.  i don’t think i can handle another “difficult” baby again.  i wonder if i’m being selfish because i don’t want to go back to the days of struggle and tears.  i am scared of feeling unhinged and crazy again, though i’ve already decided that i will stay on the Crazy Pills if we decide to go for Number Two.  i want my daughter to have the chance at a wonderful sibling relationship, and i worry that she would miss out on something special if she is an only child…but is that alone a valid reason to have another child?

right now i guess it’s all hypothetic.  i just wish i had a sense of certainty either way.  i feel like i should feel a strong sense of baby fever like i did before avery, and the fact that i don’t feel it is a sign that i am not ready and that i might never be.   maybe.


One Response to “all signs point to "who knows"”

  1. angelika05 Says:

    Very thought provoking Liz…I won’t say I feel “the same way” since you can’t feel the same way as someone else, but I have had a similar feeling off and on…

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