that’s pretty much how i’ve been feeling lately.  remember my new year’s generalizations?  that was barely over a month ago and i already feel like i’ve let myself down.  the whole point of not making resolutions was to allow myself some wiggle room for forgiveness when i didn’t stick to them as devoutly as i would hope.  unfortunately that wiggle room is turning into, well, quite a bit of wiggling in terms of my physique as my plan to be more consistent with exercise has only been consistent in its lack of consistency.  and also its nonexistence.  i’ve got all the usual excuses.  

“i’m tired.”  

“i don’t have time.” 

“the cookie was asking, nay, begging, to be eaten, and so were its kin.”

but the truth is that i do have time.  i know i would feel less tired and more energetic if i got up and moved my body.  i know that my mental well-being depends on exercise, and i feel markedly more balanced after a long, hard run.  i have just not made it a priority, and that is why i feel so disappointed in myself.  i have time for facebook, i have time for television, i have time for internet message boards, i have time to sit on the couch and inhale a dozen homemade chocolate chip cookies.  how is it possible that i don’t have time to do something that i know is necessary for me to be happy and healthy and whole?  

i’ll do it tomorrow.  i’ll run tomorrow.  i’ll do an hour of c0re-power yoga on-demand tomorrow.  it sounds like i will be very, very busy tomorrow.  but maybe tomorrow i won’t make time and i will end up making these same resolutions tomorrow night.  and the next night.  and the next.  while i’m engaging in this never ending cycle of fail-guilt-chastise-plan-fail-guilt repeat, repeat, repeat the number on the scale is climbing steadily higher and the jiggles are getting progressively jigglier.  

i really do want to make a change and actually follow through with something in my life.  i want to hold myself accountable and actually reach my goals instead of giving up (less than) halfway from the finish line.  so, since i have this blog as a dumping ground for all my thoughts about life, i’m going to try to record my progress here as well.  i need something to hold me accountable.  

so, tomorrow, february 2nd is day one!  my goals for the week are: workout (run, resistance training, intense yoga) at least 3 days (sounds attainable, doesn’t it) and move my body physically (it could be dancing with my daughter, vigorous cleaning, energetic physical relations with my husband,  stretching before bed etc) for at least 30-45 minutes on the other 4 days of the week.  

goal 2: increase water consumption 

goal 3:  decrease the number of cookies that mysteriously make it from cookie jar to my hand to my mouth.  

 

i’ve  been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to really live, or what it means to just have a life.  i want to focus my energy on living consciously.  making choices in life, and not just live with what you’re given and making the best you can in the situation you’re in.  we all have choices, and i am the captain of my own ship, so if i need to speak with someone about this path of failure and laziness that i seem to be on, i suppose i better take a look in the mirror and have a conversation with myself about what i really want in this life, and what i need to make me feel good, and then make the decision to DO those things that will most successfully help me achieve my goals.  

so, now,  i’m just going to start.  a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, right?   i’m ready to rock and roll.  and then i’ll just do it the next day and the next day, and the next until it’s part of my routine.

i won’t lie and say that i’m only doing this to make a shift towards time management, conscious living, goal setting and follow through.  i’m doing it because i said i would do it, but i’m also doing it because i see the numbers creeping up on the scale and that frightens me.  i’m also doing it because i feel my mind becoming unhinged a little more than i am comfortable with, and i know that i need to get back on track.

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random thought

February 2, 2009

have you ever wondered why it says “for best results refrigerate after opening” on packaged prunes? really?  for best results?  are the shit-inducing properties of cold prunes really that much more efficacious than those of warm ones? has anyone ever said, “a-HA!  so that’s why i haven’t taken a dump in a week.  i’ve been eating my prunes at room temperature!”  i doubt it.  maybe they should consider changing the packaging to say “to retain freshness” or something.