how many inappropriate google hits will i get if i talk about rectal emergencies?

January 16, 2009

it’s two o’clock in the morning and i just, heroically, i might add, performed immediate, emergent care on two out of the four assholes (literally) who  live in this house.  my baby had been struggling to sleep, and kept waking, crying.  i went in and soothed her….two minutes…up again, the crying begins again, i go in and soothe her again. i do a quick “sniff test” to make sure it’s not a diaper issue.  nothing smells afoul, so i carry on to bed… two minutes later, i’m resorted to let her cry for a while since she was so pleasant during our previous crib side visits,  and the earlier sniff test proved to be inconclusive .  

she’s still crying, and the sound is one of pain and discomfort.  my husband goes in and found her straining to have a bowel movement.  (isnt’ this exactly why you read personal blogs?  to learn all about children’s bowel movements and irregularity?)  with her diaper off i could see the problem quite clearly.  she was stopped up like a giant cork in a too-small bottle.  with a little quick thinking, mama sprang to action, armed only with q-tips and baby wipes, nary a rectal thermometer in site to help get things moving.  i got right in there, doing what ever i could to relieve my baby’s pain and discomfort.  if it required manual extraction, so be it.  i was prepared, and i got it done.  

after that crisis was averted, i was greeted by a morose dog with her tail between her legs.  this is a great indicator of when she’s done something wrong.  she has an overbearing guilt complex and a terrible poker face.  you can take one look at her and know when she’s done something naughty.  i tried to lift her tail — this was my A!HA! moment of the day and it has to do with my dog’s asshole.  terrific.  so i tried to lift her tail again and she wouldn’t allow it.  she is typically a very compliant patient when she needs her teeth cleaned, nails trimmed, medicine administered, so it was quite out of character that she would not let me see the area under her tail and around her poop chute. it was raw and blistered and excreting goo of sorts.  maybe it would have been more helpful to have had that A!HA! moment two weeks ago when my dog first starting compulsively licking her girlybits.  the fact that i’ve taken to calling her “rudy buttlicker” should have been a big red flag letting me know that something was not quite right below the belt, so to speak, if dogs were to wear belts.  anyhow, antibiotic ointment has been applied.  hopefully she’ll leave her ass-licking tongue away from it long enough for the medicine to work its magic, and she’ll be clean and smelling as fresh as a regular dog’s ass by morning. 

so after all that rectal excitement, and not in a good way, i’m off to bed.  i hope these two crazy ass kiddos sleep peacefully.


7 Responses to “how many inappropriate google hits will i get if i talk about rectal emergencies?”

  1. kristina Says:

    that is hilarious, liz! ah…hat we do for love 🙂

  2. kristina Says:

    let me try that again: “that is hilariuos, liz! ah…what we do for love 🙂 “

  3. jkmastera Says:

    OMG, poor Avery!!!! Good thinking, buddy! And I don’t know why, but this post didn’t gross me out at all…

    Glad both of your girls are okay!

  4. isaac Says:

    I’m just glad you weren’t referring to me when you were talking about assholes. Phew, that was a close call.

  5. Angelika Says:

    If Rudy’s toosh doesn’t heal up, you can get something called Corona cream – and no it is not made of beer. Its a Lanolin based cream that tastes like shit (no pun intended) to them – so usually dogs will NOT lick it off. They will order it for you at the Target pharmacy. It helps with Achilles hot spots alot.

  6. kristen Says:

    this is the stuff that all super mommas are made of…. great post! 🙂

  7. Cathy Says:

    Oh Lord! I hear you on the pooping! AHHHH! It’s so hard to help them!

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