how to thwart a robbery and drive yourself insane in the process

December 18, 2008

PART ONE:

i use to have a sign on the doorbell saying “ring this doorbell and i will feed you to my rabid dog” (not really, but it did say please do not ring doorbell, no soliciting). i took it off recently to replace it and just hadn’t gotten to it yet. some jackass rang the bell this afternoon…and not just once. DINGA-DINGA-DINGA-DING. (that’s 4 rings in quick succession). and then he rang it again 4 more times before i even got downstairs to the door. HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES JACKASS. i thought it was maybe the UPS guy, but no. just some man asking insistently, “do you know anything about the honda next door? the motorcycle? they’re supposed to be selling it. do you know when they’ll be home?” uh, no. i barely know my neighbors’ names. i don’t know if they have a fucking honda motorcycle and i don’t fucking know if they are selling it. why the fuck would i know when they are going to be home? do i look like my neighbors’ fucking secretary? and why the fuck are you ringing MY doorbell to ask about my neighbors’ business anyway. now get off my fucking stoop before i slap you for ringing my fucking doorbell 8 times in 2 seconds….two precious seconds of my baby’s NAP TIME. jackass.

PART TWO:

great. now i’m thinking that he was some sort of criminal who was casing the joint with plans to break in and steal my christmas joy. i emailed isaac to tell him about the incident and he replied, “was he suspicious looking?” um, yeah. i think anyone and everyone who comes to my door is suspicious. i only opened the door a crack to shhhh him to get him to stop ringing the bell. i usually never answer the door when i’m home alone, but i had to do it to get him to stop ringing. now that i think about it, i’ve never seen a motorcycle in my neighbors’ garage. maybe it was a scam.

PART THREE:

i was feeling really unsettled about the guy ringing our doorbell insistently today, and then i saw on the news about a family in my town whose house was robbed (in broad daylight!) and all their christmas presents were stolen. so i called the police to give them a heads up about what happened. they officer agreed that it did sound really odd that someone would ring our bell and ask about our neighbors whereabouts, and he said that “they” ring or knock a bunch of times to try and get an answer, and if no one comes to the door “they force entry.” he asked if i got a license plate number (i didn’t), and he said that i should never open the door for anyone (duh! i feel stupid that i even opened the door but i had to get him to stop ringing) and that if anyone comes back i should call the police. isaac went to all our immediate neighbors on our little cul-de-sac and asked if anyone is selling a motorcycle. nope. so on one hand i am glad i answered the door to make my presence known and hopefully prevent anyone from breaking into my house, but on the other hand now i am freaked out that someone might try to rob my house. i need an attack dog (rudy doesn’t count) and an alarm system.

PART FOUR:

all the windows are now equipped with 2x4s in the tracks to prevent them from being opened from the outside. there is a chair propped up against our front door. the door to the garage is deadbolted. my husband has a golf club under the bed…just in case. oh, and i am paranoid.

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One Response to “how to thwart a robbery and drive yourself insane in the process”

  1. kristen Says:

    I will never forget this one time a guy came up to me while I was taking Milo out of the car and asked where the nearest gas station was. Now, this was particularly weird because we live in a neighborhood that you would never just suddenly find yourself in if you were looking for a gas station… And in fact, you have to go PAST a gas station to get to my house. So, I pointed out that he drove right past the Mobil, and he said, “Will you take me there?” I said, “Nope, sorry… I’ve got this baby.” He then pointed down the street to his truck and said, “I need to get gas in my truck somehow. If you could just drive me to the gas station…” I said, “Nope, sorry, I can’t do that. I can go and GET you gas, and bring it back, but I won’t take you with me.” He said, “No, that’s OK.” I gave him my gas can (for the mower) and said, “Take this, and walk it — it’s less than half a mile that way.” (It was also VERY cold outside.) At the time, believe it or not, I felt AWFUL being stern like that, but in retrospect, that decision might have saved my life. Scary shit happens. Always trust your gut — paranoia is ok.


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