stick in the mud

November 6, 2008

if you haven’t figured it out already, i’m not really good at the “go with the flow” style of parenting.  my baby is not on a rigid schedule but i do whatever i can to avoid wrenches being thrown in the system.  but, of course, wrenches are inevitable and i really wish that i could just chill out and remind myself that she is a baby, not a robot, and i need to adapt when our routine is slightly out of whack. come to think of it, though, a wrench would probably be a good thing if she were a robot because i could use it to more easily turn the power switch to the “off” position when i need a little peace and quiet.  

i’ve been doing this stay-at-home-mom thing for over 14 months, and i’ve gotten into a pretty good groove.  baby wakes up, baby drinks milk, baby eats breakfast and watches sesame street while mommy waits for the caffeine to kick in, baby plays, baby eats lunch, baby naps, baby plays, mommy looks at the clock wondering if it’s 6pm yet, baby eats dinner, mommy drinks wine, baby goes night-night, mommy drinks vodka, mommy goes night-night and does it all again tomorrow.  of course there are days with errands and play dates and walks to the park, but those are normal, manageable deviations and necessary distractions.  they’re part of our overall routine.  what i have a hard time with are the days when our routine is totally blown out of the water, and this is what i wish i could change.

my mom invited me to fly out to california to visit for a week.  of course she offered to pay for my plane ticket so it would be a free vacation for me and the munchkin.  she wanted to take us to the zoo, make home-cooked meals for us every night, visit with her friends, babysit my daughter so i could go for long, leisurely runs at sea-level (i live and run at 5400 feet so i always love running when i go “home” to san diego), and do the grandmotherly doting that she cannot do on the phone or over iChat.  sounds great, right?  i turned her down.  for one thing, i hate to fly.  hate, hate, hate it.  i need about three xanax and a martini just to get myself into the airport terminal, and about eighteen more pills to keep myself from totally losing my shit during the take off and landing.  (side note: this charming trait has rubbed off on my husband and now he’s nervous before flights too.  whoops!  sorry, honey.)  flying solo with a child while doped up on anxiolytics is probably ill-advised.  i have a hard enough time keeping track of my boarding pass and ID in an airport, i would probably lose my child somewhere between security and the gate.  also, i just cannot handle being away from home and away from my comfortable routine.  

i’ve started to wonder if our life of “predictable” and “safe” is going to turn my baby into a less adaptable child and a totally rigid adult.  will she become someone who likes to travel and find adventure, or will she prefer the mundane and familiar comforts of home?  will she be like me and feel panic at the mere notion of throwing caution to the wind, or will she chart her own course and go where the wind blows her?  

i keep thinking that it will get easier, that someday i will become more flexible and willing to take risks. someday i will take advantage of opportunities and venture into uncertainty.  someday i will learn that life is unpredictable and uncontrollable, and the world won’t end when things don’t go as planned.  someday i will go on vacation and i won’t worry about the devastating impact it will have on my daughter’s routine.  i just wish that “someday” was now, and that it was easier for me to adapt and sway and flow.  it’s hard to flow when you’re stuck, and right now this mud seems awfully deep and my puddle is nice and comfy.

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things i would buy right now if i won the powerball, or if any of y’all win the powerball and feel like sending gifts my way, feel free. 

dyson vacuum

pink retro kitchen

tiffany 1837 ring

and this ring too

this table

a macro lens

and world peace and an end to hunger and clean air and drinking water for all.  amen, the end.

i am still exhausted from yesterday.  i watched about 15 hours of election coverage.  i wish i could say that i am exaggerating, but it’s true. i feel ill from watching that much tv, but i can’t help myself.  i do it every time there is an election.  it’s my crack.  or my porn.  or something.

it was exhilarating and monumental and breathtaking and fall-on-your-knees incredible to see barack obama on stage and hear the words “president elect” with his name.  it has been a long time coming.  as i put my baby to bed last night i told her that the world is changing, and it is good.  she is too little to know what it means, but i will make sure that she understands the significance of this event.  

i am leaving my obama/biden lawn signs up until my republican neighbors and/or the HOA complain and force me to take them down.  hell, we still have a kerry/edwards sticker on our car and they lost; i’m riding this victory for as long as i can.  

i am heartsick to see that proposition 8 was passed in california.  it makes me ill to think that in 2008 we are still denying the civil rights of an entire group of people based on their sexual orientation.  it is senseless, and it is sick. sick. sick.  bigots make me angry.  

oh yeah, i have pictures to post too, don’t i.  crap.  i’ll do it tomorrow.  i am zapped.