beating a (tranquilized?) horse

August 26, 2008

there’s something strangely liberating about having someone basically tell you that you’re crazy, and by someone, i mean a board-certified know-it-all…not my husband.  my husband has been telling me the same thing for months, but did i listen?  of course not.  i wasn’t satisfied with the answer until i plunked down a $40 copay and spent two hours of my life unloading all the mental insomnia-related crap that’s been rattling around my brain for years.  and wouldn’t you know it, ever since that appointment with dr. douche, sleep-disorder-specialist-extraordinaire, i’ve been feeling pretty damn awesome.  maybe i just needed the validation; just someone to agree with me and then give me the kick in the ass i needed to make some changes.  i needed someone to say, “yes, you’re nuts, now quit making such a big deal out of it.”  

since that appointment i’ve been giving myself permission to stay up later and not freak out if i am not upstairs starting my bedtime routine by 9:00.  i’m hoping that this will allow me to actually go out and have a social life and enjoy an evening with my friends without stressing about the fact that i am at a bar past my bedtime.  i’m trying to get up and get plenty of sunshine first thing in the morning, i’m trying to get more exercise, i’m trying to focus on wellness instead of illness.  i’m trying to focus a little bit more on myself and not only on oh-my-god-i-am-supermom-and-my-life-revolves-around-my-baby.  i’m trying to conquer The Crazy and live a normal, anxiety-free life.  i’m trying to believe that if it really is all in my head, that i can control it instead of allowing it to control me.  

immediately after the appointment i was pissed off that i had wasted my time.  i don’t know what i was expecting going in to the appointment.  i guess part of me was hoping that he would say, “oh your poor thing!  your insomnia is just awful.  how have you survived a life of troubled sleep as well as you have?  you are a fighter and a survivor!  here, take some horse tranquilizers and go get a good night’s sleep.”  there was definitely a big part of me that didn’t want him to say that it’s all in my head, which is basically what he did say, only using a lot more big words and condescension.  he did agree that i do have a sleeping problem, and that i have anxiety issues (i think he used the words “moderate to severe” and “needs weekly therapy” but, whatever) but mostly he just pointed out my strengths and assured me that it was useless to waste all this time and energy getting frustrated over the fact that i don’t sleep well.  he also said i should continue to take sleeping pills, and may be one of “those people” who need them for the rest of their lives, so whoohoo! for that.  

i don’t really know what the point of all this is.  do i ever really have a point?  i guess i am just trying to say that i feel a sense of relief, i feel like i can chill out a little bit now, i feel like i can accept the fact that i have issues and that these issues don’t need to be fixed right this second.  i feel that i am poised to take control and be more productive with my life instead of sitting around bemoaning the fact that my brain is a little haywire at times.  i feel like i can relax….maybe not to the point of falling asleep, but at least i’m getting there.


2 Responses to “beating a (tranquilized?) horse”

  1. A fan Says:

    Glad to hear it.

  2. Mikita Says:

    that all sounds extraordinarily healthy. do you by chance do a gratitude journal? ya know, write down 3 things that you are thankful for each day? i’ve found when i’m grousing, if i make myself do a few nights of gratitiude journaling, it really helps put things in focus and be positive. i’m not sure what it would be like to live with anxiety on a daily basis, but that you’re working on all this means you know you can affect some change in how you live with it rather than just succumbing and being a victim to it.

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