on politics and friends

August 29, 2008

(warning: this is going to be totally rambling and disjointed, but it’s just a random thought so bear with me)

on one of the message boards i visit, one of the more conservative gals said something along the lines of “why can’t we all just be friends” when a heated political democrat vs. republican debate began to simmer.  

why would we be friends?  we have nothing in common.  sure, we can be friendly with each other and respectful of each other, and maybe this is all she was asking for, but in my life i tend to befriend people with whom i share common interests and common beliefs.  i know this may come off sounding incredibly closed minded, but why would i be friends with someone whose beliefs, especially the big-ticket items of belief, are so drastically different than mine?  even i put political affiliations aside, how could i be friends with someone who is fundamentally opposed to issues that are deeply ingrained in who i am and are such a big part of my personality.  and really, why would she want to be friends with a pro-choice, gay-loving, bleeding-heart liberal like me?

so, tell me…are you and your friends similarly minded when it comes to politics?  do you tend to agree or respectfully disagree?  are you mindful of political beliefs when it comes to forming friendships?

before i became a mother i always thought that i’d have two, maybe three kids.  since my baby’s birth i’ve changed my tune and now i think this is enough.  one child is enough for me.  of course i am speaking as someone who battled through the trenches of colic and still bears the mental and emotional scars of general newborn suckitude.  having a newborn is hard, hard, hard, and anyone who tells you otherwise is delusional or high.  everyone said, “wait until she’s one.  you’ll want another.  the baby fever kicks in big-time.”  guess what.  she’s one now, and the the anti baby-fever has developed into a full on plague.  i say this cautiously because i know many women who have struggled with infertility and who would give anything for a baby.  (side note of awesome: two of my dear “formal infertile” friends are now expecting babies of their own!  i am SO excited for them.)  i also say it carefully because two of my other dear friends who have children just months older than my little monkey have recently announced that they are expecting their number-twos.  i am thrilled for them, but with each announcement i think, “good for them.  so glad it’s not me.” i’m just not ready.  i’m not sure i will ever be ready.  i love my baby.  i love our family of three.  i love being a mom to my little bug, but i don’t know if i’m cut out to be a mom of two (or, god help me) more than two kids.  being a mom is exhausting.  i’m sure it gets easier as they grow and become more independent, but right now the thought of something as trivial as getting two kids in and out of their carseats successfully, without a giant YOU FAIL bubble popping up over my head, sounds like an insurmountable yet unavoidable task in the world of more-than-one-spawn. 

i ate some leftover spaghetti and meatballs for lunch yesterday and felt all bloated and nauseated after my meal…it felt a lot like the early stages of pregnancy.  i had a momentary “ohmygodwhatif?” freak out that these symptoms meant that i was going to become a mom to two under two.  i began running through my mental calendar….when was my last period, when did we have “relations”, did i take all my pills, oh no this can’t be happening.  i added up all the factors and discovered, to my delight, that the chance of me being pregnant is remarkably slim.  huge sigh of relief.  remind me to never eat leftover meatballs again, mmmkay?

i’m sure if you give me more time i may change my mind again.  i do want my baby to have a sibling (even though i don’t have the greatest relationships with my siblings, but that’s a story for another day). i do want my husband to have the opportunity to be a daddy again.  it’s just been so much harder than i thought it would be, and the idea of starting all over again makes me more nauseous than those meatballs ever could.

history is being made

August 28, 2008

yes we can!

a few quick thoughts…

August 27, 2008

i’ve been sleeping really well the last few nights.

i made awesome spaghetti with turkey meatballs for dinner tonight.

bill clinton is practically within spitting distance right now….if i could spit about 15 miles, but whatever

i finally got my ass in gear and ran 4 miles today.  it wasn’t bad, but the whole time i was thinking about how i used to be able to go for 10, 15, even 20 miles and there is no way i could do that right now. 

my friends are going to go stargazing in denver tomorrow night after obama’s speech.  i turned down the invitation to join them because i know that if i try to brave those crowds i will end up crying and throwing a drink on someone.  

we finally hired a cleaning lady…she starts tomorrow and i am so flipping excited about this.

there’s something strangely liberating about having someone basically tell you that you’re crazy, and by someone, i mean a board-certified know-it-all…not my husband.  my husband has been telling me the same thing for months, but did i listen?  of course not.  i wasn’t satisfied with the answer until i plunked down a $40 copay and spent two hours of my life unloading all the mental insomnia-related crap that’s been rattling around my brain for years.  and wouldn’t you know it, ever since that appointment with dr. douche, sleep-disorder-specialist-extraordinaire, i’ve been feeling pretty damn awesome.  maybe i just needed the validation; just someone to agree with me and then give me the kick in the ass i needed to make some changes.  i needed someone to say, “yes, you’re nuts, now quit making such a big deal out of it.”  

since that appointment i’ve been giving myself permission to stay up later and not freak out if i am not upstairs starting my bedtime routine by 9:00.  i’m hoping that this will allow me to actually go out and have a social life and enjoy an evening with my friends without stressing about the fact that i am at a bar past my bedtime.  i’m trying to get up and get plenty of sunshine first thing in the morning, i’m trying to get more exercise, i’m trying to focus on wellness instead of illness.  i’m trying to focus a little bit more on myself and not only on oh-my-god-i-am-supermom-and-my-life-revolves-around-my-baby.  i’m trying to conquer The Crazy and live a normal, anxiety-free life.  i’m trying to believe that if it really is all in my head, that i can control it instead of allowing it to control me.  

immediately after the appointment i was pissed off that i had wasted my time.  i don’t know what i was expecting going in to the appointment.  i guess part of me was hoping that he would say, “oh your poor thing!  your insomnia is just awful.  how have you survived a life of troubled sleep as well as you have?  you are a fighter and a survivor!  here, take some horse tranquilizers and go get a good night’s sleep.”  there was definitely a big part of me that didn’t want him to say that it’s all in my head, which is basically what he did say, only using a lot more big words and condescension.  he did agree that i do have a sleeping problem, and that i have anxiety issues (i think he used the words “moderate to severe” and “needs weekly therapy” but, whatever) but mostly he just pointed out my strengths and assured me that it was useless to waste all this time and energy getting frustrated over the fact that i don’t sleep well.  he also said i should continue to take sleeping pills, and may be one of “those people” who need them for the rest of their lives, so whoohoo! for that.  

i don’t really know what the point of all this is.  do i ever really have a point?  i guess i am just trying to say that i feel a sense of relief, i feel like i can chill out a little bit now, i feel like i can accept the fact that i have issues and that these issues don’t need to be fixed right this second.  i feel that i am poised to take control and be more productive with my life instead of sitting around bemoaning the fact that my brain is a little haywire at times.  i feel like i can relax….maybe not to the point of falling asleep, but at least i’m getting there.

my other girl

August 25, 2008

“lord of the rings: the return of the king” and “harry potter and the goblet of fire” are on tv at the same time and i am flipping between channels, trying to restrain my overabundant delight.